


Lights, Night and Otherwise

by krabapple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2011-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:52:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabapple/pseuds/krabapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day after Harry's Christening. Just a bit of Lily fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lights, Night and Otherwise

Lily thinks, watching James and Sirius mock argue over the remaining melon at luncheon, that the two of them were meant either to be the best of friends or the most mortal of enemies, but nothing in between. She is grateful for all of them that they adhered to each other as friends, as it is likely the world would be a right bloody mess otherwise. She reaches a hand over to slap James' wrist lightly in order to get his attention and whispers, "Stop that this instant before you wake Harry up!" She is aiming for a stern tone, but both James and Sirius cotton on to the fact that there is no real scold behind the words, and they both grin. Lily stops herself just in time from rolling her eyes at their smiles, but her point about Harry is well taken, and the two men stop bickering, neither of them taking the slice of melon. Lily picks it up with her fork and puts it on her plate, slicing it delicately before proceeding to eat it. Sirius lets out a bit of a groan at this, but James only continues to smile.

It is the afternoon after Harry's christening, and they are a small group, just the three of them. James' parents are dead, and Lily isn't sure hers would have wanted to be there. Sirius is there because he was named godfather; neither she nor James would have had it any other way. Lily's mind still boggles at the regard she now has for Sirius, just slightly less than her marvel at her love for James. As for Sirius himself, a pack of wolves would not have been able to keep him from the ceremony that morning, even if he had not been named godfather, and that is exactly the reason why James, and now Lily, loves him so. Speaking of wolves, Remus Lupin will be by the small house later around tea time bearing, if Lily knows him, and she does, a sweet treat of some kind, probably chocolate. Remus has been away on business for the Order for the past few days, and could not make it back for the morning. Lily doesn't know what the business is, but they have all missed Remus, particularly Sirius; Lily can see it in his hands, the way he tends to put his right hand out, as if he expects to find Remus' left hand under it; Lily can see it in the line of his neck, stretched a little further out, straining a bit, as though if he stretches far enough, he can see or smell Remus coming.

Peter is also away, not due back for at least another week. They all miss him, of course, but it is not the way they miss Remus, the way they would miss Sirius if it was him roaming the south of Germany. Lily wonders about that sometimes; Peter is decent enough, a good natured, quiet man, if a bit mousey. He is smart, and thoughtful, and no one doubts that Sirius of all people would have put up with him all these years had Peter not been genuinely worthy of their affection. Sirius does not suffer fools gladly, or quietly. Still, it is as if Lily is now the fourth of their gang, Peter cast slightly to the side. She thinks sometimes to ask Peter if he feels left out, but she never does, leaving Peter what she thinks is his dignity, at least.

The check comes, and James and Sirius begin to argue again, this time with more earnestness about it. Sirius wants to pay the check; James moves to stop him. Lily knows from experience that they will be on about it for a while, so she takes the opportunity to shift her attention from them to Harry. She feels herself smile, feels that cresting ache that occurs in her chest whenever she looks at her beautiful boy. He is a few months old now, but still a miracle to Lily; he is sleeping comfortably in the pram next to her. Lily reaches out to pull the blanket closer to his tiny, slightly chubby chin. His fists flail slightly near his cheeks in unconscious response to her touch, and Lily's smile grows broader. She thinks she must look quite the fool, but can't help the slight flush that crosses her cheeks when she thinks about how this boy is _hers_ , how he knows her voice, her touch, her laugh, how she and only she can be mother to him, and how he is still young enough that she is almost his entire world. Lily half-hopes, half-worries that someday this crushing, all-consuming love will fade, at least a little. Either she or he must grow, or he'll be the only boy in the history of the school to have his mother accompany him to Hogwarts. Lily laughs a little at the thought, garnering James' attention. He raises an eyebrow as if he knows what she is thinking, but he says nothing, instead sliding his arm around her, squeezing her shoulders briefly and kissing her temple. He looks across her to Harry, and Lily can feel his smile against her hair.

After a moment he shakes her shoulders gently and says, "Ready to head home, love?" turning his gaze to regard her instead of their son. Lily looks up into his eyes and smiles before her heart can stop completely in her chest. She nods in answer to his question and starts to lean forward in her chair, as if to exit it. As she does, she notices Sirius grinning at them from across the table, clearly amused at them and just as clearly affectionate. She wrinkles her nose at him and he laughs, clear and true, before pocketing his change from the check. Seems Sirius won the argument this time, Lily thinks, as Sirius loudly proclaims that pram pushing is among his duties as godfather. James laughs and pushes his glasses up his nose, but doesn't argue. Instead, she and James hold hands the entire way home, walking slightly behind Sirius and Harry.

_____________________

 

"I can't believe you used _my_ son to help you pick up women!" James is declaring that evening over coffee and desert, mostly for the benefit of one Remus Lupin.

Sirius, currently taken form as Padfoot, who is letting his ears be pulled by a giggling and enthusiastic Harry, is in no way able to defend himself.

"I can't believe he was out picking up _women_ ," Remus laughs, clearly amused and just as clearly doing his best to nettle Sirius.

"You should have seen it, Moony," James continues. "No less than three women!" James turns his baritone into a mocking falsetto. " 'Oh! How precious! He's so cute! And you're so good with him!'" James laughs some more and lowers his voice. "Of course he was good with him! Harry was _sleeping_. Not much to botch up then, is there?"

Lily finishes pouring the coffee and turns on James, smiling. "Give the bloke a break, James. He didn't actually take any of their numbers." She hands a mug to Remus, who laughs again.

Sirius growls a warning quietly, to a shriek of delight from Harry. Lily scoops her son off the blanket on the floor and into her lap as she sits down. No less happy with his mother's attention than he was with Padfoot's, Harry takes a minute to snuggle into his mother's chest before putting some of her long hair into his mouth.

Sirius takes the opportunity to change back into human form, flopping into the chair next to Remus. He scowls at the others for a minute, but picks up the coffee Lily left for him on the table. "That last one wasn't even very pretty," he grumbles to even more laughter from James.

"Not as pretty as Remus, that's certain," James adds, getting a pinch from Lily for good measure as Remus flushes a bright pink.

They sit in amiable silence for a moment, Harry still sucking on Lily's hair gently. She indicates the cake knife on the table with a nod of her head. "Cut the cake, yeah, Remus?" she asks. Remus nods, standing up to get the leverage he needs to cut the chocolate cake with raspberry filling that he brought for dessert, in honor of Harry's christening. It takes him only a matter of minutes to cut four generous slices, handing out each one in turn along with the forks.

They are mostly quiet as they eat, forks scraping against plates, murmurs of approval going around at the quality of the cake. James asks Remus how his business went; Remus is slightly reticent on the subject, but polite enough, sketching Prague out briefly. Lily notes that he speaks mostly of the scenery and not much on the actual work he was doing. James doesn't press him very hard for details, knowing that if Remus wanted to talk about them, he already would have. Sirius, Lily notes, is watching Remus with dark eyes. There's a glint to them that she can't quite decipher, and that worries her a bit; Sirius is usually so easily decipherable, so generally wears his emotions on his sleeve, that it is thoroughly odd not to be able to tell what is on his mind. Lily doesn't notice that Remus has stopped talking until she hears Harry beginning to fuss quietly on her lap. James is looking at her, a question in his eyes, but she barely shakes her head in dismissal, and she knows James has gotten the point when he asks her if she wants him to go put Harry to bed.

"Now, now. As godfather I think I'm perfectly capable of putting the boy to bed," Sirius interrupts before Lily can answer James, reaching out for Harry.

"Sirius, no, that's fine . . ." Lily starts to protest, but Sirius still moves faster than she does, and he plucks Harry out of her lap.

"Lily's right, Sirius, I can take care of him," James says, standing up.

"Prongs. Do you not trust me with your offspring?" Sirius asks, holding a squirming and tired Harry against his shoulder with more gentleness than Lily would have imagined he possessed before Harry's birth.

"Listen, Padfoot, you're our guest, and I'm quite capable . . . ." Lily doesn't hear the rest of what James says, knowing that this is just the teasing they do with each other. She tunes it out slightly and watches Remus, who is eating a second slice of cake and eyeing his two best friends. Remus catches Lily's eye and winks. She smothers a giggle.

Apparently Sirius has won yet another argument today because he leans Harry down toward Lily's face and says, "Say goodnight to Mummy and Daddy, Harry." Lily leans up and kisses Harry on one soft cheek and Sirius holds Harry across the table so that James can do the same.

"And don't forget Uncle Remus," Sirius says, holding Harry out to Remus.

Remus smiles and shakes Harry's small hand between this thumb and forefinger. "Good luck with that one, mate," Remus warns Harry and tilts his head toward Sirius. Harry tightens his fingers on Remus' for a moment, almost as if he is acknowledging the comment. Remus smiles even wider as Sirius moves Harry back towards his chest and scowls, sticking his tongue out at Remus.

"Don't listen to that one, Harry, he has no idea what he's talking about," Sirius intones to Harry, who is starting to fuss now in earnest.

"There are nappies in the top drawer and pajamas in the third," Lily instructs Sirius.

"Don't worry, Lils, I know where everything is," Sirius says, exiting the kitchen.

"Call down if you need us," Lily says to Sirius' retreating back, sighing a bit as she leans back against her chair.

"No need to worry, Lily. He's only taking the boy upstairs," Remus assures her good-naturedly.

"Try saying that after you've spent the morning pledging in front of God and everyone to let the man take care of your first born should something unseemly happen to you." The twitches of the corners of Lily's mouth serve to belie her seriousness, but she knows there's more truth to the words than she cares to admit.

"The vicar hardly counts as 'everyone,' dear," James says, taking Lily's hand and kissing the back of it.

"I'm sorry I missed it," Remus says softly. Lily looks in his eyes and knows that he means it. Her heart squeezes a little bit at Remus' sincerity.

"Don't worry about it, Moony," James says, patting Remus quite hard on the shoulder. "Nothing to be helped. The lad screamed his lungs out almost the entire time, anyway."

"Really?" Remus asks.

Lily sighs. "Really. Until the vicar touched the water to him, that is. Other than that, it was quite a scene, bless his poor little heart."

"I'm surprised Sirius made it all the way through the ceremony," Remus noted, amused and thoughtful.

"I rather thought he was egging Harry on," James confided, causing both Lily and Remus to laugh.

___________________

 

Some time later, the dishes having been washed and put away, and James making a brief call through the fire to Alastor Moody, Lily creeps up the stairs to check on Harry and her guests. Sirius has not reappeared since he disappeared to put Harry to bed; Remus has gone upstairs to use the loo and not come back down again, either.

Lily stops at the top of the stairs, right foot on the landing. Harry's room is directly to her right; she can't quite look in, but she can hear a voice. Sirius' from the sound of it.

"I don't. You _can_ tell me, Remus." Definitely Sirius. The voice is low enough that it is obvious the man is talking over a sleeping Harry, but it is still Sirius, and therefore just a little louder than it should be. She can't quite make out Remus' response.

Lily argues with herself for a minute; she really shouldn't be here eavesdropping on the conversation in the next room, but at the same time, she can't help it. She wants to know what is so urgent between them that they can't discuss it downstairs. Giving up with a sigh and a shrug of her shoulders, Lily sits down on the step, straining to listen just a little bit harder.

The voices are still hard to make out, even when deliberately listening. Remus' voice is definitely lower, softer. Sirius sounds upset, emotional even to Lily. She wonders what his volume would be if Sirius wasn't trying not to wake Harry.

She can just make out Remus say, "Dumbledore knows, he told me . . ."

"All due respect, Remus, but Dumbledore can take his secrecy and . . ."

"Sirius!" Lily can hear the hiss in Remus' voice, and the note of warning. Even Lily would think twice about continuing that thought in front of Remus.

"Remus!" Sirius whispers in kind. "You are a _person_ not a _pawn_."

"I'm no more a pawn than you are." Remus' voice is calm, quiet, the note of steel gone from it in an instant.

Lily knows the truth of that statement. They all fight for what they think is right; for their families and husbands and wives and friends and lovers. Lily fights for Harry and James. But as much agency as they each have, Dumbledore is the one ultimately calling the plays on the field. Lily still trusts him, knows they all do, but if Dumbledore was the cause of James keeping secrets from her, she would probably sound a lot more upset than Sirius does now.

She can hear Sirius' long breath out, a huff, even here on the stairs. Then, "Moony," and in that one word, Lily can hear all of Sirius' frustration and hope and love. It is a promise; it is a prayer; it is an endearment; it is an indictment. It catches Lily deep in her gut, pulling a lump up into her throat; she can only imagine what Remus must be feeling.

Lily is distracted from Remus' verbal response, if there even is one, by James' appearance at the bottom of the stairs. She puts her finger to her lips in silent message; he treads lightly on the steps, sitting down a few steps below her so he can put his head in her lap.

"If I had known how competent you are as a spy, Evans, I would have advised Dumbledore on the subject," James whispers, a hint of teasing and also reproach in his voice.

Lily taps him lightly on his head in answer. James grabs her hand and pulls it down, holding it against his collarbone. The starch in his collar tickles her wrist.

"I'm just . . . worried . . . about them," Lily says, knowing suddenly that it's true, though not sure why. Sirius and Remus have become no quieter, but James' presence is distracting, requiring more of her attention than the conversation in the next room.

"I know, Lily, but it's between them. They'll be okay."

"It's just," Lily pauses. "Remus . . ."

"He's scared," James says.

"Remus?" Lily asks.

James' head shakes in her lap, and Lily thinks. " _Sirius_?" she whispers, surprised. She never imagined Sirius Black afraid of anything, but at the same time, she knows it is true.

"Lily. Someone. _Someone_ . . . that Death Eater raid, three weeks ago, someone. They knew we were coming, Lily. They knew we were coming."

Lily remembers; three aurors dead, four more wounded, only one Death Eater captured. The darkness is closing in on them, and she knows it. It is a dirty stain, a dark circle around her carefully constructed, happy world.

"But. Remus?" Lily asks again.

"No," James says. She knows he is biting his lower lip, even if she can't see it. "I don't . . . not Remus."

"But Sirius . . . thinks . . ."

"I don't think so. Not really."

"Then why . . ." Lily trails off.

"Moony has always had secrets, Lily. But Sirius doesn't remember that. All he knows is that he's afraid."

Lily knows that there are plenty of reasons to be afraid, but she asks anyway. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid of losing Remus. In every way that counts," James whispers into Lily's knee.

Lily squeezes James' hand, but says nothing.

James squeezes back, then says, "Come, Lily. Let's go downstairs, give them a bit of privacy."

Lily nods. "Just let me get that charms book for Remus that I promised him. It's in our room." James stands up, kissing her briefly before turning to back down the stairs.

Lily heads for their bedroom, down the hall, past Harry's room. She finds the book she's looking for on the shelf, and walks back out. As she treads past Harry's room, she notices the door is half-open, lit with Harry's nightlight, and can't help herself from peeking in.

Sirius is sitting in the rocking chair, a sleeping and swaddled Harry held against his chest. The chair is still, though the balls of Sirius' feet are poised on the floor, ready to give him leverage at any time. Remus is sitting on the floor at Sirius' feet, a children's storybook open on his lap, his hair lit golden by the nightlight. As Lily stands watching, Remus tilts his head so that his cheek rests on Sirius' knee. Sirius looks down and smiles a small smile, one that Lily has never seen before, one she knows is meant only for Remus.

Lily holds onto her book more tightly, and starts to head back down the stairs, to James


End file.
